But if you’re in the market for a dull, semi-campy, fairly gory satire about teenagers, abstinence, sex, and vagina teeth, then this should be the next movie you watch.For young Dawn (Weixler), her body is a scary mystery. It won’t satisfy if you’re looking for real horror there’s no suspense or feeling of dread. Ultimately, it’s a neat concept, I just really wish they’d have done more to explore it or at least make it more interesting. This movie seemed to have a few things going really well for it, but it just didn’t successfully pull it all together for me. Jess’ dad, Bill, is played by Lenny von Dohlen (Harold Smith from Twin Peaks), and her repulsive step-brother, Brad, is played by John Hensley (Matt McNamara from Nip/Tuck). Actually, I rather liked the entire cast. She had to work with a pretty uncomplicated character while basically pulling off being the focus of the entire movie and I think she did a bang-up job. I thought she was great as the lead, really exemplifying the cute yet complicated virgin that all the boys want. Its one shining “pro” for me was the acting by Jess Weixler. I can’t honestly say this movie was wholly terrible.
I mean…really, a pro-abstinence, teenage girl learns she has been gifted with vagina dentata, allowing her to immediately and severely punish any uninvited peens or fingers? What about that description doesn’t make one think this could be a clever and enjoyable satire? Plus, the synopsis of this movie intrigued me enough to want to watch it. Part of being a lover of horror movies and all things horror means there’s a sick part of my psyche that enjoys being made to feel uncomfortable or grossed out. You may be thinking, “but, Jamie, if you’re so grossed out by teeth stuff, why would you decide to watch a movie called Teeth?” That’s a great question and I thank you for asking. Teeth, however? I’ll audibly voice my disgust and horror. Blood? Guts? Decapitations? You name it, I can watch it without a problem. Suffice it to say, my frequent teeth-related dreams result in my discomfort during movie scenes involving similar imagery. Whatever the meaning, I don’t really care – they’re horrible and we hates them. I have since learned these dreams are common and are typically associated with stress or anxiety. I’ve had countless number of dreams about my teeth either breaking, shattering, crumbling, or just simply falling out. Since we don’t know each other very well, here’s a little tidbit of info about me: I’m sort of weird about teeth.
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